Manager Monday: Letting Go

Welcome back to our third installment of Manager Monday, where we explore tools, techniques and strategies to be better managers.

Because life is too short for bad managers.

I was sick last week and I found myself watching an embarrassing number of episodes of Live PD (don’t judge, we all have our vices), and it was shocking how many folks just make poor choices that are not in their own interest, often completely escalating situations that don’t need to be escalated, or actively making choices that make their own life hard, even when presented a seemingly simple solution.

We all know people like this, right? Whether it’s someone at work or someone in our family, or maybe a teenager, making their own choices and taking their own chances that you can look at and wonder why they would make that choice which is so clearly not in their own best interest. Or maybe it’s a Facebook friend that always seems to post about when they need help, or resources, and even when folks lay out several viable options, they seem to just continue down the path they’re on, not taking those options.

As managers we can easily face this in our work. We organize and orchestrate our teams. We dispense advice or provide nudges in one direction or another to keep folks on the right track. Maybe we even align folks with very clear opportunities — maybe even give explicit direction— to ensure folks are delivering and performing and doing what they need to do, either to keep the status quo or to grow.

This can be labor intensive, as it is often a core responsibility for managers, this management. And it is hard to watch folks not take the paths and opportunities laid out for them. Or to watch them not act in their own best interest, even if it seems like such a simple thing. “Be at the meeting on time, Jerry…” and there’s Jerry, 10 minutes late, again, without any real excuse. It is frustrating, and it can become easy to fall into a trap of seeing your folks’ failures as your failures. Or in taking such ownership and responsibility for them making the right choices. Or being disappointed and hurt that no matter how much effort you put in, they just didn’t use it. This is human. It’s okay to feel that way. Feel the feelings and let them pass- don’t let them bog you down.

Here’s the thing you have to remember: You are not responsible for other peoples’ choices. You are only responsible for your own choices and actions.

I can hear the counterpoint to this- There’s an argument to be made that if someone continued to make a poor choice, or didn’t take the advice, or didn’t go through the doorway laid out for them, that maybe you didn’t communicate with them well enough, or in a way that would reach them, or clearly enough. And sometimes that’s the case. This is part of our own growth as managers- asking ourselves could we have done better, could we have approached this or laid this out differently, where can we improve? That’s an okay place to be. We are going to have growth areas, always. And we are going to make mistakes. And we are going to learn.

But at the end of the day, you could have done everything perfectly and some folks are just going to make a different choice, because they’re on their own life path and you can’t make those choices for them. You can influence and highlight options, and help shape and grow folks, but ultimately you can’t be inside them controlling their actions and choices- that’s up to them. Sometimes they’re just not ready to hear what you’re saying or they’re not ready to take that step. Sometimes your words will plant like seeds and sprout up later, unexpected. Maybe they’ll be ready tomorrow, or in a week, or in a year, or in three years, or maybe never. Each person is on their own journey.

The more work you put into someone, the easier it is to get enmeshed with their choices and the outcome. However, if you take accountability for other peoples’ choices you will drive yourself crazy as a manager. Myriad influences, experiences, choices, datapoints, and traumas influence any of our individual decisions— and that alchemy looks different for each person. You are not responsible for other peoples’ choices.

You are responsible to show up in the best way you can, give the best direction and guidance and clarity as you can, and to continually learn and do better.

Ask yourself:

• Did you present the information as best as you could?

• Did you try a few different approaches to reach your recipient and meet them where they’re at?

  • This might look like having a conversation, or writing it down in notes, or using analogies or relatable examples

• Did you employ communication strategies to ensure they understood?

  • This might look like asking your person questions about what you shared to ensure comprehension

• Did you revisit the topic periodically to check in?

  • It can be helpful to have reminders, and periodic check-ins can both reinforce it as top of mind and show that there is continued focus on the topic or activity. It can also give folks an opportunity to mull through the topic in their own time and come back to it for further discussion.

• Did you try having someone else deliver the message?

  • Sometimes things land differently from different communicators; if your communication isn’t landing, try working with someone your recipient trusts and either finding a different strategy or having them communicate it themselves to see if it might be received better or more strongly.

If you are satisfied that you did the best that you could do to provide direction, give advice, or showcase opportunities, then that’s all you can do. Sometimes folks aren’t ready to hear what you’re saying- they’re just not in that space. And sometimes they’ll finally hear it the 5th time. And sometimes those myriad other factors swimming around in their heads will put them down a different path. That is not your responsibility.

All you can do is the best you can- giving your folks the best tools, direction, and guidance you can - and then let it go.

At the end of the day you have to be able to sleep with your choices. They have to sleep with theirs. If you find yourself attached to other choices, consider this your reminder to let go.