The Marble Jar: Emotional Banking

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the power of small moments and in the power of investing in other people- our friends, our family, and our colleagues at work. It’s a bit like emotional banking. Every interaction is an opportunity to make a deposit or take a withdrawal.

Brené Brown uses an analogy of a marble jar, where positive moments result in marbles being added to the jar and negative moments result in marbles being taken away. Interestingly, what she remarks on is that most marbles are added for small moments, really micro-moments, like asking about a family member, sharing a seat, or being responsive when someone asks for a little help. It’s these moments, she says, that build trust, not necessarily large, sweeping gestures.

I would take this even further. If in micro-moments we make deposits, then we can als take withdrawals. And we can overdraw.

We’re all human and have good days and bad ones- days where we’re short, reactive, or not as patient as we’d normally be. When we have a healthy balance in our marble jar with another person, this withdrawal might not be too impactful. The other person might assume we’re having a bad day and check in with us later. They’ll assume positive intent or not take it personally.

However, without enough positive investment, a few small challenging interactions with someone can become much bigger issues more quickly as our emotional bank accounts with them become overdrawn— and like overdrawn accounts, they can result in additional fees, making it even harder to climb out of the negative balance. Ouch.

So what can we do?

• Take time to connect. Spend a few minutes at the beginning of a meeting to connect with folks. While it can be tempting to skip straight to any business at hand, especially if you’re in a fast-moving, resource-constrained environment, those few minutes provide an opportunity for connection that may actually help your business long term by creating better relationships.

  
  

• Engage your curiosity. Ask questions! Learn about what makes the other person who they are. What’s interesting to them? What do they like most about the work they do? What pets do they have? What are their names? What do they do in their free time? What are they watching on Netflix? Remember we only ever see a sliver of others’ lives. The more we learn about their 360 degree lives, the more opportunity you have to connect with them and find things you share in common.

  
  

• Lead by example. Want folks to share? Share something from your own life to set the stage. What’s challenging you? What’s exciting to you right now? What are you watching on Netflix. How are you really? When you model vulnerability and open up to share a piece of you, it can create a safe space for others to share more vulnerably of themselves. This builds connection and a pathway for those marbles to make it in that marble jar.

But what if I’m already overdrawn?

• Acknowledge the current situation. Sometimes you have to start out by calling the elephant in the room. It could be as simple as, “Hey, I know we didn’t start off on the right foot.” Or, “I’m feeling some tension between us.” This enables the other person to confirm your observation, or provide their own. You can use this as a gateway to having a conversation about what caused it and/or what you would like moving forward.

  
  

• Engage with the other person. Conversations and relationships are partnerships— they go both ways. Enlist the other person in problem-solving and co-creating what you want your interactions to be like in the future. E.g. “ I’m feeling some tension between us, and I was wondering if you felt that too, and what your thoughts were about where that’s from and how we could work together more productively?”

  
  

• Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. You’ve heard it before. Difficult situations are… difficult. Some interactions are not going to be comfortable, particularly if they have been challenging before. Not everyone is going to be your best friend. Your partner might not want to engage with you right away because the trust isn’t there. This doesn’t mean you should abandon all hope. Understand it’s going to be uncomfortable and remain committed to improving your relationship with what’s within your control.

Remember that trust [and marble jar deposits] are made in small moments. It’s the little things that count— those small moments, over and over, that add up to big gains.